come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
