I think my fart just growled at me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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