I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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