Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
