Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
