Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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