I just googled if crying burns calories
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
