Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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