You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
