Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
