For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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