I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Still dying that you shit outside
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
