He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
love makes seman taste better
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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