so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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