her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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