I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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