I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
