She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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