I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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