bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
