I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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