forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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