Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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