I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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