1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
