Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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