Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I AM VODKA MAN
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize