My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
