3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
