u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have aggressive nipples.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
