Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you didnt know i had herpes?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
