I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
