I think I won the penis lottery.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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