Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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