Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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