They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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