Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
