Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We talked him into tasing himself.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
