I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
