Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
