you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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