I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So drunk its hurt
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We had sex on a dog bed..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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