two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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