i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
