After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We're too hungover to prance.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
