i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is Oprah even human
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
