Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
