I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
