You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
