WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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