pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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