I just pynch a tree in the face
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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