its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
