maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
