His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
