If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
