Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
