Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
