You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
