Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
