Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
