hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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